Changed

From the outskirts of the town // Where of old the mile-stone stood,

Now a stranger, looking down // I behold the shadowy crown // Of the dark and haunted wood.

Is it changed, or am I changed? // Ah! the oaks are fresh and green,

But the friends with whom I ranged // Through their thickets are estranged // By the years that intervene.

Bright as ever flows the sea, // Bright as ever shines the sun,

But alas! they seem to me // Not the sun that used to be, // Not the tides that used to run.

I am falling, real hard. Or I think I am. I'm no longer in denial. I feel, that much I know. I have finally faced the truth, shared it with one soul, scared that if I broadcast it to the world, I'd wake up and smell the thorns and realize that everything's not real. I fear that once they know, the feelings will go and my defensive mechanisms will take over, rebuilding a fortress around my heart which you already have broken. I'm scared of letting you know too, terrified that you don't feel the same, that you grew tired of waiting and you're merely hanging around for habit's sake. I know it's silly, but when did love ever make sense? Is it love? Or is it a mere fancy? A passing adoration?

the secret you know you can never tell

I like you. I have, for some time now. I am just in complete denial. It's weird, this feeling. It's been so long.


I wish I didn't know this particular skeleton in your closet because from the moment I learned of it, I cannot help but look at you differently. I can't help but judge you. You filthy, cheating bastard.


It hurts. Damn, it hurts. But I smile and take those insults in stride. I'm strong. Or at least I say I am.

"dreams, truth pills, complications and expectations"

You're wondering why I no longer spend time with you. You ask them why I prefer the company of others more than you. Are you so numb and insensitive that you just don't get it? It's your biting remarks that turn me off. It's your speeches, your words that chip off what little self esteem people around you have. You don't have a muzzle for your mouth whenever you're angry or whenever you simply want to voice out your opinions. You don't think before you speak. You effortlessly spout these degrading comments so smoothly with no apologies. You inflict pain against others so easily that it's hard not to wonder whether you're enjoying making others harbor deep resentment against you. Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. I just don't care anymore. I'm tired. I'm simply tired of you.


I dream about you often these past days. I think of you a lot too, wondering why it's your face that I see when I close my eyes, like your face has been tattooed in the back of my eyelids. I don't know why I jump from my seat when my phone rings, hoping that it's you. I wish I don't, but I do. I want to will these anxious feelings away and distance myself from you. But I can't.

Hook, line and sinker. Damn you.


NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, OH SO CONCEITED ONE. People change, pick up things, adapt unconsciously and IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF YOU! When will your ALL-ABOUT-ME-messed-up brain process this? You think our own little worlds revolve around you. Hell-o. Newsflash, NO THEY DON'T. GET A GRIP. You're such a kid. Grow the hell up.


You make me uncomfortable in more ways than one. Don't make things more complicated than how things already are. Yes, I'll miss you. Like how I'll miss surfing the internet when pldt servers are down. Like how I'll miss using my cellphone when the battery is out. Like how I'll miss my tv shows when they're on hiatus. You've been a part of the people I am used to seeing, talking to and spending time with. But that's just it. I'll miss you, but you're not a person I couldn't live without. I won't apologize for being someone who I am not. Someone you expect and want me to be.

second pov

"to every feeling, there's a season"

I thought I forgot about you and all the nervousness I feel whenever you're around. But when I saw you again, I swear on all my beloved books that I could hear my heart beating off my chest. Every beat was like a loud thumping sound against my ear. My palms were sweating profusely as I willed my eyes to avoid looking at your direction. I don't want this. I don't want you. God help me.


You say too much. You absolutely cannot shut your trap. You keep on saying things against people's backs and the moment the words flow right out of your mouth, you regret them immensely. When you are faced with the persons you stabbed in the back, you feel this great pang of regret and you know in your heart that you have betrayed a friend, yet again. What is wrong with you?


You thought that your friendship with this person is deeper than what you have with the rest of your acquaintances. You made yourself believe that what you had is irreplaceable and one of kind. In lieu of recent events, you have finally realized that you were wrong. Your so called friendship is not 'all glamorous', not that 'deep' and not that 'unique'. You have fallen in love with the whole idea of investing your emotions into another so deeply unlike what you have done to others. Well, you're absolutely wrong, and you know it. You just won't admit it.


You know that you're pathetic and yet you continue living in this bat shit lifestyle you deem fantastic. Well newsflash dear one, others see you as pathetic. Why can't you? Oh wait, you already know you're pathetic. What you need to do is admit it and get out of this worm infested facade called ego. You're absolutely wrong and you have got to learn to accept it!

wrong decisions, dreadful outcomes and vague intentions

If only I could tell you that you're making the wrong decision because you're motivated by the wrong reasons, I would. But I won't. So I'm keeping my mouth shut until you realize it all by yourself. Or maybe I'm just too protective and I think that I know you all too well, which is why I'm being pessimistic about things. So scratch everything that I said. You go do what you think is best, and I'll stand here on one corner cheering you on because you said this will make you happy. And when all else fails, I'll try my very best to stop myself from saying I told you so. And when everything falls right into place and you achieve your success, I'll be waiting for your I told you so.


I wish to become your friend once again, but I am too cautious of how things would turn out. Is it too conceited of me to think that history will be repeating itself if I get too close? Your friendship with me was valuable back then even if I tried to deny it, and I wish for that to be rekindled. However, I fear that if I try to do anything, it might lead us back to where we have once been. A place where you demanded more and I couldn't give anything in return because I have drawn the line. When you didn't get what you wanted, you left without much of a goodbye. How did I react to all of that before? I shrugged it off like it didn't matter. How selfish is that? How conceited? And why does it matter now? Why am I filled with guilt when they tell me time and again that I was the reason why you left? After many nights of pondering, I know now. It's because I have finally banged my head against the wall and realized how selfish I was, immature, naive or simply a bitch for lack of a better word. If I could turn back time, I would. But I can't. And even if I could, it's better if I don't for I truly learned the lessons the hard way.


You're rather... weird. I couldn't read you too well. I wish I could because you're like a puzzle to me and it leaves me confused and frustrated. I could be an annoying know-it-all wanting reasons for every action when I am bothered by inconsistencies, gray areas and the obscurity of your intentions.

facets

My many reactions to changes...

You could never fool me. You have changed and you know it. Or not, I don't care. It wasn't instant. It was gradual, really. And I was there, observing you, from a distance. I can't say I'm glad that you've changed. I'm indifferent to it, you see. Change as much as you want, for all I care. You live your life, I'll live mine.


Please let go of the memories. I have. Now, it's your turn. Let's change together.


I wish for things to remain the same but it's impossible. I'm not being dramatic. I'm just stating the truth as I see it. Yes, our circumstances have changed but I'm still hoping that our friendship wouldn't. I am fearful of what might happen being left behind a number of times and you know it. I just wish you'd consider it. Or maybe it's good that you're inconsiderate because it teaches me to let go because if there's something hard for me to do, it is to let go.


I wish you didn't say it. I wish you kept these things to yourself. I am not a fan of change and I could sense it coming. I am trying my best to not be naive and wish that I live in a perfect world where we are all innocent. But we're not. It's a cruel reality where people are cruel... where I am cruel. I don't want to be, but if the circumstances demand it, I will be. So please forgive me, in advance.


I know you don't like change, I'm with you on this one. But if you keep on living in the past, it wouldn't help you and do you any good. Come on. Stand up, look ahead and wipe those tears away. Let's all embrace change and look at the brighter side of life.


I am grateful for this change. It was gradual, yet the results it gave left a massive impact in both of our lives. I never saw you fully... until now and I regret not ever paying close attention before. But for me to dwell in my past mistakes will only result to regrets and I wish to make up for all those lost time. I'm glad we have put everything behind us. Cheers to this wonderful change!

Hellhole

the truth that hurts

You were really doing fine before this summer, you know. You were independent and finally able to move on. Then all of a sudden you got sucked right back in that hellhole you have tried so hard to get out of. Life is full of choices dear one. You cannot say that you simply have no choice but to stay where you are and sulk because you are compelled to. You can get out of that shithole. You can.

Look around you. Your life does not revolve around one person, one goal, one thing. If you're not the number one priority, if your love is not reciprocated, then look elsewhere.

You deserve so much more. So much more.

You keep on focusing on that person making you miss out on all the other choices life has to offer. You are neglecting the people who do care about you genuinely.

You are only making that person be more conceited than how that person is currently is at the moment and I cannot stand it. Stop feeding the ego because it's making me nauseous just thinking about it.

That person will taste that person's own medicine in the long run and you'll be in the sidelines with a blank expression in your face because you just don't give a rat's ass anymore.

I wish that day would come sooner. I wish to see you truly happy.

But as long as your happiness is tied to that person, I doubt that day would ever come.

Life and it's niceties.

Pathetic, right?