Changed

From the outskirts of the town // Where of old the mile-stone stood,

Now a stranger, looking down // I behold the shadowy crown // Of the dark and haunted wood.

Is it changed, or am I changed? // Ah! the oaks are fresh and green,

But the friends with whom I ranged // Through their thickets are estranged // By the years that intervene.

Bright as ever flows the sea, // Bright as ever shines the sun,

But alas! they seem to me // Not the sun that used to be, // Not the tides that used to run.

the chef

food analogies that make my life worthwhile

I am torn.

There’s this part of me that wants to let you be, make you taste your own medicine and for once in my life, shut you out from my life. In as much as I have felt neglected, dismissed and taken for granted, I would like to grant you the same charity you have shown me.

I see no reason why you tend to be possessive, protective and downright jealous. You act as if we are chummy, yet, when everyone else is not looking, you are nothing but dismissive. I honestly cannot read you, worse, understand you.

The other part of me urges me to not sever ties with you. It pushes me to be generous, however selfish you are clearly becoming. You take and take until you are satisfied. But that’s the problem: you are never satisfied and I am just tired.

Should I just give you up completely and for once, look away? Or should I continue giving but not receiving any in return?

Is it reasonable for me to be selfish and find comfort elsewhere, where my love is returned? Or should I continue craving for your attention even if it is never enough?

I am tired of this crap.

You are my pastry: delectable looking yet filled with nothing but air, not able to fully satiate one’s hunger.

What I need is steak: well done, full of protein and could fully gratify.

i wish you didn't

Someday, all of these will eat me up inside and I would have no choice but to reveal every single thought to the blissfully unaware people who surround me with smiles. Someday, I will have the guts to spit these words out. One day.

I have long debated to let you in every secret of mine. I have given much thought whether I would consider stripping down all pretensions, not that I have any, just all the warning signs, walls and other hedges that I have created for myself. However, no matter how much or how long deliberation it takes for me to finally come to a decision, the fear outweighs the hope: the hope that you would keep everything and be accepting. I look at you and I am tempted to fully trust you. But something holds me back: it is the fear that one day, you will let me down. No, it has nothing to do with you not being trustworthy. It has everything to do with the fact that one day, you'll leave me hanging. Just like how everyone else does.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I do miss you. After everything that has happened, the good memories outweigh the bad. I wish for yesterday to happen again. But no matter how hard we hope for those memories to resurface, the present haunts us. Everything has changed even if we earnestly try to bring back whatever was lost. There is no stopping or preventing the inevitable.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I used to desperately hang onto the memories of the has beens even if what's right before me completely negates whatever the past suggests. I guess it's only fair, for me, if I let go. You already have, so it's my turn. I am tired fighting. I am tired of spending effort to save whatever I have thought still existed because clearly, there's nothing there anymore but a bunch of blissful memories of what has beens. There is no point in looking back if I alone am the one looking. You have started to look ahead, and so must I. It's only fair, isn't it? I shouldn't hold it against you if you let go. People get tired. People lose interest. People leave. Crap like this happens. It's normal. Might as well, go with the flow. It's for the best.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Someday, you will feel like how I felt. One day, you will be the one desperately holding onto the memories and not the one walking away from them. And when that time comes, I won't be there to be your source of comfort at a time that's most convenient for you. One day, you'll look for me and I won't be there. When this happens, you'll finally realize how much pain you have caused to those people whom you have taken for granted.